The Two-Word Strategy That Exemplifies Positive Discipline
Sep 26, 2024
Imagine this: You're in the middle of preparing dinner, the house is a mess, and your patience is wearing thin. Suddenly, you overhear your children arguing in the next room because one took the other’s toy without asking. Or perhaps your little one looks you straight in the eyes and offers some choice words in response to a request you just made. Sounds familiar? Every parent has been there, navigating the choppy waters of guiding their children through the maze of growing up. How we respond to these moments can shape our children's future behavior, their understanding of right and wrong, and the strength of our parent-child bond. This is where the concept of positive discipline, and particularly my "Try Again" strategy, comes into play.
Understanding Positive Discipline
First off, let’s get clear on this concept of positive discipline. Positive discipline is a philosophy that focuses on teaching good behavior through encouragement, understanding, and respect. Unlike traditional punishment-based discipline, which often leads to resentment, fear, or even more misbehavior, positive discipline aims to build a stronger foundation for the parent-child relationship. It's about guiding rather than controlling, teaching rather than punishing.
Now, don’t confuse this with permissive parenting. Now, don’t confuse this with permissive parenting. You can learn more about parenting styles here, but the gist is there is one parenting style that clearly wins when it comes to setting our kids up for successful futures, and it does not involve being a pushover. Rather, it involves a balance between creating a warm, loving, and supportive environment for your child while imposing reasonable boundaries.
Why Positive Discipline Triumphs Over Punishment
The superiority of positive discipline lies in its long-term effectiveness. Children raised with positive discipline understand the reasons behind their actions and are more likely to internalize good behavior. It fosters independence, resilience, and problem-solving skills. Moreover, it strengthens the emotional bond between parent and child, ensuring they feel loved and valued, even when they make mistakes.
What I love about positive discipline is how it provides a solid foundation for developing a strong lifelong relationship with your child - the kind where your child actually wants to spend time with you as an adult - while guiding them to grow up to become kind, reasonable, responsible, and all the other good things we want for our kids.
The "Try Again" Strategy: A Cornerstone of Positive Discipline
The "Try Again" strategy exemplifies positive discipline. It’s a transformative approach that allows parents to effectively guide their children, focusing on teaching rather than punishing. With “Try Again,” parents allow children to correct their mistakes, encouraging learning from errors and making better choices in the future.
The “Try Again” method offers many benefits, from reducing tantrums and misbehavior to building trust and strengthening relationships. By using this approach, parents can create a safe, loving, and structured environment that encourages growth, learning, and exploration.
Implementing the "Try Again" Strategy
Step 1: When your child behaves in an unwanted way, briefly provide corrective feedback in a calm, clear, and caring manner. For example:
“Your brother may be ready to share that toy with you, but it’s important that you ask him before taking it, just as you would like him to ask before taking your toys.”
“I’m guessing you didn’t mean for that to sound as rude and disrespectful toward me as it did.”
“I know chores aren’t fun, but it is so much nicer for everyone present when we do them without whining.”
Step 2: Provide them with a chance for a redo by saying, “Please try again.” For older children already trained in this technique, that is likely all the prompting you will need to use. For younger children, you may need to offer more suggestions to help them achieve the more desirable behavior you’d like to see. For example:
“Try again by saying, ‘Billy, may I please play with the red car now?’”
“Try again by saying something like, ‘Mom, do I need to turn off my game right now, or may I have a few minutes to finish the battle I’m in?’”
“Try again by saying something like, “Ok, Mom, I’ll get my laundry put away right now.’”
This is a positive discipline at its best. Instead of immediately resorting to punishment, you explain why your child’s behavior was hurtful or inappropriate. Then, you give them the opportunity to approach the situation differently. They get to practice that more desirable behavior so that it will come more naturally in the future. Also, hurt feelings are repaired, and the situation is peacefully resolved in a loving and supportive manner that maintains boundaries and expectations for appropriate behavior.
The “Try Again” method is a game-changer because it helps parents stay calm, focused, and consistent, even in the most trying times. By using this method, parents can create a sense of safety and security for their children, allowing them to feel comfortable taking risks and making mistakes.
Notice that saying “I’m sorry” isn’t necessary in this approach. Your child may toss that phrase into Step 2, but it’s not needed and can detract from the vital message that people make mistakes, and that’s ok, but it’s important that we learn from them and try to do better the next time.
Secrets to Success
The effectiveness of the "Try Again" strategy hinges on consistency and patience. It's crucial to apply this approach regularly and to remain calm and empathetic during the process. Doing so teaches children that mistakes are opportunities for learning, not fear. It may take time, but the rewards—seeing your child develop into a respectful, thoughtful individual—are immeasurable.
Moving Beyond “Try Again” to Master Positive Discipline
Now, you may be wondering what happens in situations where your child refuses to “Try Again.” In most situations, this method will work, as kids often know intuitively that their behavior was inappropriate or immediately regret the unkind words that come out of their mouths. However, there absolutely will be times when your child refuses your offer for a redo. And frankly, this is where I think most positive discipline educations fall short; they don’t provide you with the tools needed to enforce reasonable boundaries. It’s one thing to say you should set limits and stick to them; it’s another thing to walk you step-by-step through how to enforce boundaries with your children lovingly and effectively.
If you’re interested in diving deeper into the world of positive discipline and unlocking the secrets to getting your kids to listen and respect your words, I'm excited to announce an upcoming free workshop. This event will go beyond the basics, exploring advanced strategies for when children refuse to use the "Try Again" approach and much more. It's an opportunity not to be missed for anyone committed to fostering a loving, respectful, and effective parenting approach. You can register right now at www.drlindsayemmerson.com/respect.
Take-Home Message
Embracing positive discipline, especially the "Try Again" strategy, is a journey filled with learning and growth for both parent and child. It's about building a relationship based on mutual respect, understanding, and love. While the path may not always be smooth, the destination—a well-adjusted, respectful, and empathetic child—is well worth the effort. Remember, in the realm of positive discipline, every mistake is a new opportunity for growth, and every "try again" moment brings you and your child closer together. Keep up the good work on your amazing parenting journey!
P.S. I hope to see you in my upcoming webinar, where I’ll share with you my #1 tip for getting your child to listen to and respect your words. Register HERE and get ready to say goodbye to parent-child standoffs and hello to mutual respect.
