I’m back at my keyboard after a few weeks’ hiatus during which I spent all my free time landscaping. I completely understand how the stereotypical scene of the stay at home mom working out in… More
At the end of a grocery trip on this rainy morning, I juggled an umbrella and a shopping cart while helping my nearly 3 year-old into the car but did not strap him in because lately he has been interested in doing that part himself. Once the groceries were secured and I had hopped in the car, I checked and saw that he was not yet strapped in so I politely asked him to do so. Apparently today he had lost interest in being independent with a seatbelt. Thinking this through quickly, I decided that I didn’t want to get back out in the rain to help him when he could certainly do that for himself so some problem-solving was needed, and I remembered he is still a wee lad and might need some extra motivation. Fortunately, I had in my hand the open mint case that he had been eating from in the store, so a perfect operant conditioning moment had presented itself.
Positive reinforcement to the rescue! I said to my son, “Oh look, I have your mints and you can have them for the car ride home as soon as you’re strapped in.” This was greeted with a “hmph,” crossed arms, and a frown, so I could see this was going to be a bit of a struggle. I certainly did not want to cave in at this point and teach him that he does not have to strap in when I ask or that he can have mints without strapping in. As you know, consistency is supremely important in parenting and he needs to learn that his behavior has consequences. But at the same time, he is so little and cute, and I did not want to have to strap him in and then hear him crying on the way home about not getting the mints. This is where it becomes important to insert “fun” into your parenting. You can efficiently use operant conditioning while staying happy and keeping your child happy. In this example, I turned our little stand-off into a fun exchange by giving him a wry smile and starting to shake the mints case like a musical instrument while singing a little song, “Strap in to get your mints.” Success! Seatbelt on, mints go to the adorable boy who learned to follow instructions and be independent, and we all drive home happily. There was definitely that moment of suspense when I worried that things would not go so smoothly, but I always try to keep my cool in those little stressful parenting moments, and they usually turn out great, especially if I remember to keep things fun. Being a kid should be fun and being a parent should also, so try to enjoy your parenting this week while still using your helpful parenting tools!
Circling back to our discussion on reinforcement and punishment (see Understanding Reinforcement vs. Punishment from 2/8/18), now that you have an understanding of the basics, it’s time to learn more about operant conditioning. As a reminder, below is the chart showing the 2 forms of reinforcement, positive and negative, as well as the 2 forms of punishment, positive and negative. Remember that positive means adding something while negative means removing something, as opposed to positive meaning good and negative meaning bad. If I were B.F. Skinner, I would have chosen less confusing terms.
|Reinforcement||Adding something good
|Removing something bad
Ex: Stropping a nagging song
|Punishment||Adding something bad
Ex: Cleaning house
|Removing something good
Ex: Taking away a toy
Skinner’s original works used pigeons and rats to demonstrate his learning theory. Though your munchkins are infinitely brighter than pigeons and I would never compare them to rats, the same concepts apply, sometimes when I’m thinking about how to motivate my children’s behavior, I like to simplify things by thinking of them as little birds pecking away at a lever in order to earn their food pellet. The term shaping is used in behavioral psychology to describe the process of teaching a subject to perform a certain behavior by reinforcing successive approximations of the desired response, just as you patiently guide your children toward desired behaviors. I would like for all of my children to be polite and thankful. For example, I would like my 2 year-old to ask for milk by saying, “Mom, may I please have a glass of milk” but I can’t expect him to magically start speaking this way when he first develops communication skills. First, he cries to tell me he wants milk. Then he grabs or points. Then he says “milk”, then “milk please”, and so on until one day he learns to say the complete, polite request. Each of those steps was a successive approximation of the desired response and was rewarded along the way, but once he was ready to move on to the next step I had to stop reinforcing the previously rewarded behavior (i.e., when he was able to speak, I waited to give him the milk until he said “milk” rather than when he simply pointed to the refrigerator). Fortunately children have a well developed understanding of spoken language long before they can verbally express their own thoughts, so I could prompt him for the behavior by saying, “Would you like a milk? Say, “Milk please Mom.” Now that he can say complete sentences, I don’t hand him the milk until he makes a polite request. I have shaped that behavior over time. You have likely been through this process with your children for any number of desired behaviors. Remember that you have the power to set the ultimate goal, so if you want your children to be polite, don’t stop at “Mom, can I have a glass of milk?” (or one of my pet peeves, “Mom, I want milk.”). Choose not to reinforce that behavior until “please” is added at the end of the sentence.
The same concept of shaping applies to training your children to say “thank you”. In addition to asking politely for the glass of milk, I would like my children to say “thank you” when I hand it to them. This is a behavior that is learned through your child’s interactions with you and other people in their lives with whom they spend a significant amount of time, so get on the same page with other caregivers. Often young children have the best manners when they are new talkers because it is so rewarding for them to receive positive reinforcement from you when they say in their adorable little voices, “thank you” as you hand them the glass (or sippy cup) of milk with a big smile. Your praise acts as a reinforcer beyond the reinforcer of receiving the milk itself. This process of using reinforcement to pair the act of you handing the child the milk with a loving smile with the desired response of them saying “thank you” is called acquisition. This polite behavior may fade over time as the novelty of your child’s response wears off and you react less and therefore unintentionally withdraw part of the reinforcer (they are still getting the milk but your loving smile is not prominent). This is called extinction because you have extinguished, or removed, the connection between being given the milk and them saying “thank you” by removing the reinforcer.
Shaping is then needed to re-aquire the behavior. Now the reward must not be provided until the desired behavior is exhibited (i.e., you don’t give them the milk until they say “thank you”). The most commonly heard cue from parents trying to teach their children to say “thank you” is “What do you say?” after the child already has the milk in their hands. Taking a lesson from behavioral psychology, you’ll find that the desired response is more quickly learned and more consistently exhibited if you without the reward until after the child says “thank you.” To do this you might say “What do you say?” or “What’s the magic word?” while still holding the milk in your hand, but I prefer more subtle techniques like offering the child the milk but not releasing it until they say “thank you”. Don’t think of this as a tug of war but rather, picture your child’s surprised reaction as they go to the grab the milk and discover that it has not been released (this lesson is best taught with sippy cups or water bottles for spilling concerns). Without saying a word, you offer an expectant look (eyebrows raised with a knowing smile), and it’s as though you can actually see gears turning in their heads as they think through “What on earth is mom doing? What is she waiting for? Oh, I need to say thank you.” This can be such a fun learning moment; I have found that my children and I usually leave these interactions with a big smile on our faces, rather than the child feeling like they’re being nagged, yet again, to have good manners. This brings us full circle to the idea of maximizing reinforcement in your parenting. This is an example of negative reinforcement because I’m stopping something bad (hanging onto the milk) in order to increase the likelihood of a behavior (saying “thank you”). Reinforcement can be so powerful in your parenting and is so much more enjoyable as a parenting technique compared to punishment. See if you can get better manners out of your kids this week by being an operant conditioning pro!
A dear friend of mine just asked me for advice on what age group is ready to read/watch Harry Potter, as I love giving parental advice and have read/seen all the Harry Potter stories. For some quick background, her nearly 5 year-old expressed strong interest in reading suspenseful stories when her grandfather was recently visiting. This sweet girl is very precocious and the parents have done a fabulous job helping her to develop an early love of reading. They have already read the first 2 books together and seen the corresponding movies. Before embarking further down the Harry Potter path, mom wanted to check with me because she had heard the later stories are geared toward an older audience and was worried that she may have introduced the series too soon.
The short answer is yes, it’s too early for Harry Potter, even for an advanced reader with an interest in thrilling stories. The series becomes markedly more mature in books 3 and 4 and is really quite intense in books 5, 6, and 7 – lots of tension and sorrow. I suggested to my friend that they might read book 3 if they’re not ready to take a break yet but to definitely wait to watch the movie. Dementors are the stuff that nightmares are made of. A Harry Potter lover will definitely want to read the entire series at once, so plan ahead with your kids and suggest the first book only when they’re old enough to read the seventh book. That probably means around age 10 or 11. That may seem ridiculously old if you think of this as a children’s book but remember that Harry is 11 years old when he first goes to Hogwarts and he ages 7 years during the series so if you wait to introduce your child to the character until he’s closer to that age, he’ll probably enjoy the series even more.
How can you possibly know what books are appropriate for your kids without having read them all previously? I rely on commonsensemedia.org as a reference tool for age appropriate media. Having objective data is really helpful when your kids want to watch a movie that you think is too mature; I just check this website with them and show them the age recommendations and they understand that they have to wait. Common Sense Media has a whole page on the Harry Potter series: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/blog/harry-potter-age-by-age-guide
The good news I offered my friend is there are so many other amazing series for her daughter to read now. The book Some of My Best Friends are Books by Judith Wynn Halstead is an excellent resource for advanced readers which provides all sorts of good book ideas. Librarians at your child’s school and public library will likely have great ideas for your child’s age range, in addition their teachers. My kids loved The Chronicles of Narnia; there are a few scary elements but it’s more of a fantasy world (the beloved humans all turn out fine). Boys in particular love the Warriors series about rival cat clans. My girl loves the Thea Stilton adventure series (companion to the Geronimo Stilton series). That one is neat because it has these wild fonts interspersed throughout the text so it’s fun for parents to read and have early readers jump in to read the fun font words without being overwhelmed by reading the entire page. The Percy Jackson series is really entertaining and has two books called Greek Gods and Greek Heroes that were quite educational and we all enjoyed. There are some gruesome elements but it has a lighthearted tone and again is fantasy with gods and goddesses, being set in the past so it’s more removed for the kids, but there is some mature language. The A to Z Mysteries and Milo & Jazz Mysteries series have been big hits here and are very benign for younger children. So far nobody in my family has loved Nancy Drew but that’s an option along with Hardy Boys. So, I told my friend to blame it on her psychologist friend and objective data from Common Sense Media but that Harry Potter should wait while one of these other series will have her daughter captured in no time!
On a side note, I strongly believe that the Harry Potter books, and all books for that matter, should be read before any movies based on the books are watched. Especially for children who are endlessly creative, let them envision the characters in their own unique way for the entire lifespan of the story, then superimpose Hollywood’s version of the characters by watching all the films together. It’s fun to ask the kids how the actors and actresses differed from or were similar to their own image of the storybook characters. Happy reading!
It was such a treat to be interviewed on the radio show Community Matters on KZUM 89.3FM on 1/29/18. The show has a focus on positivity and building stronger communities, and the host Nick Hernandez was remarkably well-versed on psychology terms and theories. We covered topics like what motivated me to start this blog and where I see it going in the future, as well as subject matter including the 5 C’s, friendship, and even how personality traits can be used to help guide our career paths. Thank you to all my supporters who listened to the show! Here’s the direct link if you missed it: https://kzum.org/communitymatters/
I simply cannot blog another week without covering reinforcement and punishment. These are terms you have probably heard before and you may have a thorough understanding of them or an inkling about what they mean, but they are critical to parenting so let’s spend some time refreshing your memory. The quick psychology history lesson is that these terms are part of B.F. Skinner’s operant conditioning theory that developed in reaction to John B. Watson’s classical conditioning theory (think Pavlov’s dogs) and spawned the behaviorism movement in psychology. We’ll talk more about Pavlov and Watson another time. We now know that both forms of behaviorism are valid in different applications, and from the later cognitive psychology movement we know that thoughts and attitudes clearly cannot be ignored as influences on behavior. For today, let’s focus just on how parents can use reinforcement and punishment to improve their parent-child interactions. To understand these concepts, it is simplest to look at them in a grid:
|Reinforcement||Adding something good
|Removing something bad
Ex: Stopping a nagging song
|Punishment||Adding something bad
Ex: Cleaning house
|Removing something good
Ex: Taking away a toy
Reinforcement comes in two types, positive and negative. Positive reinforcement means adding a pleasant stimulus (adding something good) to increase the likelihood of a behavior. If your child says, “May I have the milk please,” you hand the milk and say, “Here you go Johnny, and I love how you used your good manners.” Johnny is happy to receive your praise and is more likely to say please in the future. Other examples of positive reinforcement are clapping when a child puts their shoes on by themselves, scheduling a play date when they show good behavior at home, or getting a lollipop at the end of the grocery trip if they sat nicely in the cart.
Negative reinforcement means removing an aversive stimulus (taking away something bad) to increase the likelihood of a behavior. A couple of my kids have gone through phases where they would get in the car and take forever to put on their seatbelts. After trying a few different approaches, I found the one that worked best for my munchkins is singing the seatbelt song, “The first thing you do when you get in the car is strap in, strap in” and simply saying that over and over again (with increasing volume if necessary) until they strap in. If you have a good singing voice, this technique may not work for you, but when I say those first few words of the song, they usually get to buckling up quite quickly now. More examples of negative reinforcement are a child putting away their shoes so mom stops nagging them, letting a child walk on the sidewalk without holding your hand when they agree to stay right next to you, or switching the radio station after a child adds “please” to their request.
Punishment also comes in two types, positive and negative. The term positive can be very confusing in this context but remember positive just means to add something (good or bad). Positive punishment means adding an aversive stimulus (adding something bad) but this time the stimulus is meant to decrease the likelihood of a behavior. For example, if my boys get too rough with each other, they are put to work cleaning the house. First they must “check-in” with the victim. In our house this means a sincere apology in a nice tone of voice and an inquiry as to how the guilty party may help to make it up to the victim (take a turn with a coveted toy, clean up the toys they were playing with, etc.). But if mom has to get involved because the roughness continues, they are off to wipe down the walls, doors, or table chairs. A little physical labor helps to get out that extra energy and deter further roughness. Other examples of positive punishment are speaking to your child in a firm tone, giving a disapproving look when you see your child behaving poorly, or having to say 10 nice things for every unkind thing they say to someone.
Finally, negative punishment means removing a pleasant stimulus (taking away something good) to help decrease the likelihood of a behavior. When one of my boys was 7 years old and regressed into biting siblings when he was angry, we tried a few approaches and ultimately had to step things up a notch by making the rule that if he bit someone, that person could choose any one of his Lego sets to play with for an entire week. This happened once and there were tears, complaints that the punishment was too harsh, and sadness when the Lego set was dismantled by a younger sibling, but we felt that this was a very serious behavior that needed to be stopped. It tugged on my heartstrings to see him so upset, but guess how many times he has bitten a sibling since then…zero! More examples of negative punishment are leaving a play date early for poor behavior, skipping dessert if you don’t eat your dinner, or removing toys if you don’t clean up after playing.
So there you go, four powerful tools in your parenting tool belt to help motivate your child’s behavior to be more in line with your expectations. Amazing parents use reinforcement throughout the day, every day. Punishment should be used infrequently after first attempting other options. Parenting can be very frustrating at times, and even the best parents sometimes loose their cool and yell at their children, but your goal should be to avoid that form of positive punishment. Physical punishment, such as spanking, should never be used. Now that you have a better understanding of these terms, take a look at how you interacted with your children today and see if you can fit examples from your own life into these four categories. If you’re heavy on the punishment side, make it your goal to focus on reinforcement tomorrow!
You know I love problem-solving and I think good sleep hygiene (your routines and sleep environment that help you sleep soundly) is of the utmost importance (see Bedtime Routines from 2/14/17), and safety is of course a priority for all loving parents. So I must share with you the solution to two problems we used to have in our house that were easily solved with an inexpensive purchase. First, little kids love playing with doors and my body tenses every time I hear a door slammed during a game of chase for fear that one of the 40 little fingers in our house may have been crunched. Second, big kids who are out of diapers sometimes need to get up to use the bathroom at night. When they’re first getting into this routine, they may need your assistance but over time this becomes something you do not need to help with, nor do you need to have your sleep interrupted by this activity. You can coach your kids on gently closing doors or even just leaving them open at night but despite coaching, groggy munchkins used to sometimes wake us up with the clang of doors in the middle of the night. If you have ever dealt with these issues, I suggest you look for some foam door stoppers. They’re shaped like a U and sit upside down on the top of the door or on the side if you want the kids to be able to reach them. Ours have cute animal heads on them and come in fun colors. They’re practically silent if someone slams the door so I don’t have to worry about fingers and get a better night sleep!
Next Monday at 11:30am Central Standard Time, I am honored to be a guest on a radio talk show called Community Matters on KZUM 89.3FM based out of Lincoln, NE. You can listen live at https://kzum.org/communitymatters/ if you’re so inclined. In preparation, I’ve been thinking a great deal about the focus of this blog, how I envision it moving forward, and what I hope its impact to be over time. Having done a fair amount of public speaking during my training as a psychologist, I’ve learned it is helpful to anticipate specific questions that might be asked during an interview to help me feel more prepared and confident during the actual event. One thing that came to mind when prepping for this upcoming interview is a list of quick parenting tips grounded in my psychology-based parenting style and simple enough that I could quickly list them out without providing the whole psychology lesson behind each one. Can’t you just envision the host closing the interview with a question like, “Ok, Dr. Emmerson, if you had to give us just a few quick tips that our listeners could use with their own kids, what would they be?” If you recall Mr. Handy (see Mr. Handy to the Rescue! from 3/23/17), you know that I like using sets of 5 in my parenting. Here’s what I came up with, the 5 C’s:
1) Communicate with your child in a loving, teaching manner (supportive, calm, informative)
2) (Be) Consistent in all areas of your parenting (your family’s daily routines, your interaction style with your children, the outcomes your children can expect from specific behaviors)
3) (Provide) Choices to help guide your children toward developing independence
4) (Teach) Consequences early to help children learn to make good choices and to help you maintain a sense of control using if-then statements where the child clearly understands the consequence before making his behavior choice
5) Catch yourself when you are getting frustrated or encountering a parenting roadblock and use your problem-solving skills and parenting tricks (distraction, humor, break tension with a smile, alone time for yourself)
I’ll delve into each of these topics more in future posts but for today, just take a second to think about whether these items describe your parenting style. If so, great. If not, pick one that you might work on this week and see if things go more smoothly at home for you and your munchkins. Good luck!
People sometimes ask if I use my training as a clinical psychologist (who diagnoses and treats mental disorders) on my children and thankfully there’s no need for that but many of the treatment tools I used to use with patients are applicable in parenting normally developing children. There are a number of different styles of psychological therapy but the most widely used evidence-based approach is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT focuses on identifying and modifying unhelpful patterns in cognitions (your thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes) and behaviors (your actions). In previous posts I’ve introduced the topic of problem-solving using the acronym SOLVE (see Solve Your Parenting Problems in 5 Steps from 3/8/17) which is one tool in the cognitive-behavioral therapist’s toolbox. Some problems are more complex and really require you to work through each of the steps. But sometimes you may notice a parenting problem and just have that “ah ha” moment, especially if you get in the habit of thinking like a cognitive behavioral therapist.
If you stuck with me through the nutritional lesson in my last post, here’s a quick tip related to snacks that stems from one of those “ah ha” problem-solving moments. I was recently carpooling with an excellent mom, very knowledgeable and loving. We had our 9 year-olds on an outing during a time when they would normally be having snack at school and it was clear they were “bonking” (our family’s term for unexpected dips in behavior due to low blood sugar levels). No problem; I just reached for a box I keep in the car with different snack options: nuts, apple sauce pouches, granola bars, and fig bars. The box lives in my car and is restocked as needed. Everything has a long shelf life and is relatively mess-free, though occasionally some apple sauce goes flying. So if anybody is ever staving while we’re in the car or I forget to pack a snack for our trip to the park, we’re covered. You can probably imagine me driving in my early parenting years with just one child on a day when he was horribly upset during the car ride home from a park because I didn’t have any snacks left. Amidst the hysterical crying, I thought here’s a parenting problem and I need to solve it to help my child and keep my sanity while driving. I started running through the problem-solving steps in my head when an “ah ha” moment struck me and I thought, there’s no reason for me to ever be without a snack for a hungry child; I’ll just keep them in the car. I’ve been doing this for years and when this mom commented on what a great idea it was, I though wow, if this super mom doesn’t know this trick, I’d best post it on my blog for others who might benefit from the tip. Maybe you can benefit from the car snack box or maybe you have other daily parenting struggles that might benefit from thinking like a behavioral psychologist and searching for your “ah ha” moment.
I am thrilled to be back at the keyboard after focusing on four kids for the summer, playing the role of contractor on our home for a few months, and surviving some rather chaotic interactions with Mother Nature in our dear little town. I have been strategizing future posts and am so excited to get back to this concept of integrating principles from psychology into parenting to help you and your children have more fulfilling interactions on a daily basis. Today’s topic is snacks. If it doesn’t sound like there is a psychological principle in there, read on.
First of all, just a quick reminder that kids are rapidly growing, super fast metabolizing creatures that need to be fed often. Young children need three meals a day and at least two snacks (somewhere around 9am and 3pm depending on their nap schedule and what time your family eats their meals). You probably know that meals should include a protein, fruit and/or vegetable, grain, and dairy. Snacks should also be well-rounded. A friend once talked about how her son’s mood tended to dip in the afternoon. As we started chatting about snacks, it turned out she was not regularly providing a protein at snack time because that seemed like something you save for mealtime. For adults, that might be fine – just have an apple in the afternoon to tide you over until dinner. Young kids, however, need that protein boost in the morning and afternoon. Peanut butter, eggs, cheese, etc. can help your little one stay happy and healthy. It does take time each day to put together five protein-packed dining experiences for your kids but trust me, the improvement in mood, both your child’s and yours in turn, is worth it.
Ok, now where’s the psychology? This is a brief, tangible introduction to the field of developmental psychology, the study of how and why humans change over the course of their lives. Many future posts will touch on topics from developmental psychology, such as understanding developmental stages of growth to help parents have realistic expectations for their children. Here I just wanted to introduce the overarching concept that children are not just little adults. Children have different thinking styles, behavioral patterns, nutritional needs, emotional experiences, concepts of time, etc. Our goal as parents is to help them mature so that one day all of these facets of human life are more consistent with ours as adults, but this happens in baby steps, so to speak. From the time they start eating solids until sometime later in elementary school, they’ll need those extra snacks!
I haven’t written in a little while and some of my awesomely supportive friends have been asking when they can expect more posts. I have a huge list of topics for future posts and am super excited to get them on paper (or rather, computer screen) but I’m falling a little short on free time as our family embarks on two much-anticipated construction projects. Alas, I cannot guarantee when my next post will be but I definitely plan on more, especially when school starts up again next fall.
In the meantime, I have a quick story for you related to this concept of managing your time and preserving as much of it for your little kiddos as possible. A friend recently asked me how I can manage to look at Facebook so rarely and I responded that every minute I am on Facebook is a minute that I’m ignoring 1 to 4 children (depending on how many of the older 3 are at school at that time). This friend has brought this quote up several times and shared it with other moms as a moment of insight where she realized how important it is to consciously balance her own daily routine with her desire to be present for her children. Children certainly do not need to be, and should not be, attended to every minute or responded to immediately every time they request your attention or assistance. But if I am asking a child to wait a minute for my response, I want there to be a good reason like I’m speaking on the phone with your aunt or I’m changing the baby’s diaper – not I’m getting caught up on Facebook. My friends will forgive me for not having seen every picture they posted on Instagram this week but my children will remember how much attention I paid to them and their daily accomplishments forever.