What Causes Teen Anger (& How To Solve It)
Aug 28, 2024
There is often an increase in youth anger during puberty that comes as a shock to a lot of parents. It can have significant negative impacts on families and society. We’ve all seen the shocking headlines and disturbing videos of angry teenagers lashing out at their parents, peers, and even themselves. By familiarizing yourself with the effects of puberty on kids and learning strategies to teach your child to help them better regulate their anger, you can set them up for successfully riding the waves through the puberty thunderstorm. I’m going to briefly share a client’s story with you, explain how puberty may be related to your child’s outbursts, and, most importantly, teach you five steps you can teach your child to help them control their anger.
Just the other day, a mom sought my support for her 10-year-old boy who was having angry outbursts at school and home. This was atypical behavior, and she was understandably concerned. I asked about whether there had been any significant changes in their life recently - a move, change of schools, houseguests, new extracurricular activities, or other significant transitions. I asked about whether her son had changed friend groups or started spending more or less time on activities he had previously enjoyed. Things had been remarkably consistent - except that he was fighting with his siblings and acting rudely in class at school.
The mom was really good about setting her child up for success by using consistency in their family’s daily routines, with regard to eating regular low-sugar, high-protein meals, having early and consistent bedtimes, keeping a daily schedule with a relaxed rhythm, and providing a warm and supportive home environment. This was music to my ears because Consistency is one of the 5 C’s in my parenting framework and can do wonders for setting your children up for success in terms of good behavior.
Puberty Effects
Nothing seemed to be triggering these new angry outbursts except for the child’s age. At ten years old, he was likely starting the early phases of puberty. Hormones in his brain are triggering physical and emotional changes. It doesn’t happen all at once but rather slowly over time. There are spurts where the chemical messengers in the brain tell the body to produce more testosterone, and suddenly, your child needs to learn how to regulate these new impulses and feelings.
Both women and men produce testosterone, but the levels are much higher in men, so it can sometimes be hard for moms to appreciate the emotions that go along with puberty in boys. I asked my husband once for his take on testosterone. He is both a man and a medical doctor. He’s also generally a very calm and collected person, and he said testosterone makes it feel like he could punch something at any moment. Of course, you can also see these effects in girls, but typically to a lesser extent due to the lower testosterone levels.
Picture your sweet little 10-year-old suddenly feeling these raging bull impulses. Pair that with their still-developing brains, not yet fully able to inhibit impulses and make rational decisions, and it makes sense that they may have trouble controlling their anger from time to time. So, how can we help them?
Anger Management
As the pre-teen/teen brain continues to develop self-regulation, it’s especially important that we equip kids with tools to manage these new, big emotions they’re feeling. Here’s my 5-step process to teach your kids.
1) Identify the problem: In a gentle way, help your child recognize that angry outbursts have been an issue lately. Perhaps you say, “Have you noticed you seem a bit more edgy lately and sometimes lose your cool?” or “Hey, it seems like you’ve been feeling some really big emotions lately and losing your temper more than usual.” Chances are they’ll be on the same page, though it may take a moment of reflection or a day to come around. You might mention a recent incident like, “Remember at baseball pick-up the other day when…”
2) Normalize angry outbursts at their age and educate them on puberty and the effects of testosterone on emotional stability. You might review reputable sites on the internet, check out books from the local library, or talk with trusted adult men to learn from their experience growing up. The key in this step is to emphasize how normal it is to feel overwhelmed by strong emotions, how it might be surprising or even scary to be overtaken by angry impulses, and how your child will learn how to have more stable feelings over time.
3) Next, move on to teaching strategies to help regulate their anger. Start by introducing the anger spiral. This anger management concept has a great visual: a tornado. Picture the funnel starting out very small at the ground level. That’s barely a change from the normal steady state of your child’s emotions. As it grows wider and wider toward the top of the funnel, your child’s emotions are getting bigger and bigger, which means more and more out of control.
It’s dramatically easier to rein in anger when it’s at the bottom of the funnel compared to the top. That’s when people start ranting and raving and can’t even believe the words coming out of their mouths, or kids start kicking and screaming and throwing gigantic tantrums. Walk through that visual with your child to help them understand how important it is to catch your feelings early on and start working to stay calm before they get big, scary, and out of control.
4) The way you catch those feelings before they grow is to do some serious reflection on past events that lead to angry outbursts. Think through all the triggers - something someone said, a worry over an upcoming situation, hunger, fatigue, etc. These can be thoughts, feelings, behaviors, or physiological sensations such as a racing heartbeat. For me, running late is an emotional trigger, and it corresponds with jitters and tenseness. When kids become mindful of the factors contributing to the rise in their anger, they create an opportunity to intervene. Ultimately, they should end up with a written list of triggers that they review regularly to help them identify triggers early in the future. This step may take some time, and it’s helpful to think of any angry outbursts during this period objectively as research that will help inform step 5.
5) Here, we are focused on coping skills and interventions that will help your child weather the storm. When they encounter a trigger, and they feel the funnel starting to grow, they use these techniques to keep their emotions from getting out of control. They remind themselves how much easier it is to tame the funnel when it’s close to the ground and commit to using a strategy to keep the funnel from getting big. It can be helpful to label different levels of anger that correspond with different parts of the funnel, even just as low, medium, or high, to help them choose which coping strategy to use. I’ll share with you three types of coping strategies that come in handy for pre-teens/teens:
A) Cognitive: Think to yourself, “Stop the anger spiral,” or “I’ll get in trouble if I don’t keep this under control,” or “I need to calm down so I don’t hurt someone - physically or emotionally.” These are great mantras to repeat to yourself in the low level of the funnel or possibly the medium level.
B) Behavioral: Intentionally focus on your breathing and take slow, deep breaths. Another option is to intentionally focus on releasing energy by clenching your fists very tightly, then releasing them and letting the strong emotions go. These strategies could be used at the low or medium level of the funnel. At the high level of the funnel, your best behavioral strategy is exiting the situation - removing yourself from what is triggering your anger, if at all possible.
C) Social: Confide in a trusted friend, family member, or teacher and let them know you are actively working on controlling your anger. Ask them if they can be a rock for you if you feel angry in their company. Make the choice to walk to them, look them in the eye, perhaps hold their hand or let them put their hand on your shoulder, and ask them to just be there for you for support.
The key to step 5 is remembering that change is hard and takes time. Any time your child’s anger reaches the middle or high level of the tornado funnel, it should not be viewed as a failure but rather as practice. With practice comes progress.
Take-Home Message
Angry outbursts can be a major challenge for parents of pre-teens and teens, but emotions are part of the human experience. The goal of these tips is not to squash their emotions but rather to learn to regulate them in a safe and socially appropriate manner. You now know how puberty is related to angry outbursts, my 5-step approach to teaching kids anger management skills, and several types of coping skills that can help kids intervene when their anger is triggered. Now, set aside time to walk through the 5 steps with your child, start gathering research on triggers, and start practicing coping skills!
Coping skills for kids fall under the Choices & Checkpoints category of my 5 C’s parenting framework (click here to learn more about The 5 C’s). To view more posts in this category, use the category search menu on the right of your screen. Thanks for joining me to fill your parenting toolbox with psychology-based tools to feel more confident and capable in your parenting. Keep up the good work on your amazing parenting journey!
