Conquer First Day Of School Anxiety | 3 Game-Changing Drop-Off Tips!
Aug 06, 2024
Do you have a little one who has a tough time saying goodbye at school drop-off? Or maybe your child is getting ready for their first day of school ever, and you’re worried about how they’ll manage being separated from you. It pulls at your heartstrings seeing your child upset, so I will share three psychology-backed tips to make the first day of school a breeze.
The Goodbye Ritual
First, the most crucial step is to develop a goodbye ritual. This can be a set of words, a physical gesture like a huge, or ideally both. The idea here is that you have a very clear ritual to mark the moment you will turn around and walk away, officially beginning their time being separated from you at school.
The ritual should have three elements. Begin by signaling that the transition to saying goodbye is beginning, saying something like, “Okay, sweetie, it’s time for Mommy to say goodbye so you can have a fun school day.” Notice the positive wording. You want to avoid phrases like, “I’m sorry, sweetie, but it’s time for me to go” or “Don’t get upset, but I’m going to leave you with Mrs. Smith now.” Keep this part clear, concise, and positive.
The ritual should then have an element directing their attention to something concrete that will happen at school. This way, they can try to hone in on that visual rather than ruminate over you walking away. For example, remember Mrs. Smith said you would have a tea party at snack time. That is going to be so much fun. You can tell me all about it at pick-up.” Or, “I wonder if you’ll get to do some painting today. I would love to have a new painting to put on the refrigerator. I can’t wait to see what you have for me at pick-up.” Again, this is concise and positive while focusing on one activity they can look forward to. It also gives a little buffer between step 1 (when you inform them you’re leaving soon) and step 3 (when you actually leave) to help them feel more secure with the transition. It also gives them something to focus on other than being worried about being left alone, whether that’s the tea party or a painting project.
Pro tip: Make a mental note to remember what you mentioned at drop-off so you can ask them about it at pick-up. This continuity will help create a comfortable pattern of drop-off being tied to pick-up that reassures your child you’ll be there waiting for them day after day.
Finally, the ritual should conclude with a clear statement that you will return for them right when school ends and will be overjoyed to see them. This reassures them that your separation is temporary and communicates how much you enjoy spending time together to boost their sense of self and strengthen your parent-child relationship. This would be an excellent time for a big bear hug, saying, “I’ve got to get one last big squeeze to last me until pick-up time.” Or perhaps a big high-five, saying, “You’ve got this, little buddy.” Then, you add, “I love you so much and can’t wait to see you right here at 1 pm.”
The Dress Rehearsal
In this step, I’ll introduce a very useful parenting strategy called behavioral rehearsal. This is a technique psychologists use in therapy in which you imagine and practice the behaviors and social skills necessary for an upcoming situation that may be causing some anxiety. In this case, you and your child will imagine the school drop-off scenario together and practice all of the associated behaviors or actions that it will involve.
Schools often have an opportunity to visit the classroom before the first day of school for precisely this reason. It helps kids feel more comfortable with the upcoming first day of school drop-off scenario when they have actually seen the classroom, walked inside, and have a feeling for what it will be like to spend time there. If your child’s school offers this opportunity, definitely prioritize making it to that event. To capitalize on this learning experience, narrate the entire process so they learn visually and verbally. You might say, “School is at the end of this street, so when we get to this brown house, we know we’re getting close. Now we’re parked and ready to head to see Mrs. Smith. What a lovely classroom when you’ll spend your day tomorrow. Now that we’re all done, we’ll head back out the door. Tomorrow, this is where we’ll say goodbye and where I’ll pick you up after school.” Keep up this type of positive commentary about the school experience until you head back for the first day, so it’s fresh in their mind as a wonderful thing to look forward to.
If you can’t actually see your child’s classroom and meet their teacher before the first day of school, do as much of the routine as possible. You might drive to school, park, get out, and walk around the block to see the entrance they’ll use and perhaps catch a glimpse of the playground.
The critical element in this behavioral rehearsal step is to practice your goodbye ritual. Practice at home several times, and if you have the chance to visit school, practice it there too. If your child is nervous about the first day, tell them you have this great idea that will help you both to feel more comfortable saying goodbye in the classroom - practicing like actors do for a play, so the show is a huge success. Walk them through each step of the process, saying something like, “Once we say hi to Mrs. Smith and put your backpack down, we’ll be together for a couple of minutes while the other children arrive. Then I will say, “Ok, sweetie, it’s time for Mommy to say goodbye so you can have a fun school day. Then I will give you a super big hug, and it will be time for me to wave goodbye, but I’ll be back as soon as school is over to give you another big squeeze.”
There’s one more vital element to remember in this step: You should have a go-to one-liner rehearsed to help you manage any concerns or objections your child brings up during the goodbye ritual. When you’re doing your goodbye ritual on the first day of school, if your child says anything like, “I don’t want you to leave” or “Why can’t you stay longer,” you can help ease their concerns and settle your own nerves by having a pre-rehearsed one-liner response ready. You might say, “It’s hard for me to be apart from you too, but you’re going to do great, just like we practiced.”
If you love this concept of behavioral rehearsal, check out How to Prepare Kids For Travel to learn how to apply this strategy to make family travel easier!
The Clean Exit
After the goodbye ritual is complete, you walk away and don’t return. I know that sounds hard or even harsh, but it’s actually the advice that will make this process most manageable for your child. In behavioral psychology, the principles of reinforcement and punishment tell us whether a behavior is likely to be repeated or not repeated based on the response to the behavior. I realize that sounds complicated, but the school drop-off experience is actually a simple way to demonstrate this concept.
If you say goodbye to your child and they start crying, so you walk right back and hug them, what are they learning? They’re learning that crying at goodbye time gets Mommy to stay longer. They love you and want you to stay longer, so guess what they will do the next day at school drop-off? That’s right, they’re going to cry. They’ve learned through positive reinforcement (your attention when you come back to them) that crying gets them more Mommy time.
In contrast, if you say goodbye to your child and they start crying, but you continue to leave and wave or blow them a kiss as you walk away, what are they learning? They’re learning that crying doesn’t change the outcome of goodbye time; Mommy still leaves. And what do you think happens the next day? They may cry, or they may not, but they know that it won’t affect the outcome - that you’ll still leave regardless. So, by sticking with the plan and leaving as stated, you’re helping your child learn the school routine faster. They’re not getting confused by you staying around longer than needed and them feeling like they should cry at drop-off to make that happen.
Now, parents often worry that their child will think they’ve been abandoned if they walk away from their crying child, and I get that; it is painful seeing your child upset and not being able to help. Here’s the thing: If you have formed a secure attachment relationship with your child through years of warmth and responsive behavior, meaning tending to their needs and concerns, then you have set them up for success at school, and they will be perfectly fine.
My oldest child was very nervous about school drop-off far beyond the first day of school. When we stuck to the short but sweet goodbye ritual, I thought my heart would break walking back to the car, but I always got a text message from the teacher minutes later saying that he had settled and was doing well. That text message brought a flood of relief, so if you’re concerned your child might be upset at drop-off, consider asking the teacher if they have a method for checking in with you.
Notice that sneaking out while your child is distracted was not included in these tips. For all children, whether they are nervous about being separated from you at school or not, there should be no sneaking out. That move saves parents the pain of seeing their child upset, but it does not save their child’s pain because, ultimately, the child will realize their parent is gone and feel upset. It also damages your parent-child bond. It’s ok for your child to know that you can’t spend every minute of every day with them, but you want them to know that you are reliable and trustworthy, so you need to be there when they think you’re there, and you always need to return.
Take-Home Message
Just like any new experience, the first day of school can be daunting. For many kids, the worry over being separated from their parents during school hours can go on for days or even weeks. Fortunately, by using the three steps above, you can feel confident that you are doing your best to set your child up for success at school drop-off. Just remember to repeatedly practice your goodbye ritual, run through as much of what the first day will be like as possible, and keep your exit clean. Keep up the good work on your amazing parenting journey!
