Parenting Tips for Talking to Your Teen About Relationships
Jul 11, 2024
Do you find it difficult to talk to your teens about relationships? You’re not alone; this is a common experience for many parents. Communication is key when it comes to relationships, especially between parents and teenagers. It’s important to create an open and safe space for discussions about relationships because, despite their increasing maturity, teens still need support and guidance. I’ve got you covered with six essential steps to help your teen start opening up to you.
An Open and Safe Space
Let’s start out by tackling how you can create an open and safe space for discussions about relationships. The party line with kids of all ages needs to be, “All questions are good questions,” meaning if you’re curious about something, go ahead and ask it, and as your parent, I will always answer it. Now, if you don’t know the answer to a question, don’t worry; it can be a great experience researching answers together using reputable sources on the internet, consulting books at your local library, or asking a trusted friend (this last option also models for your teen the value of seeking social support).
After establishing that you are open to any and all questions, you create a space where your child feels safe asking questions through unconditional positive regard. This concept was developed by psychologist Carl Rogers to be used in psychotherapy, and I apply it to my parenting practice by creating a nonjudgmental family environment. Children are constantly changing and learning, making mistakes along the way. Those mistakes should never change the way we feel about them. We may not love particular behaviors they choose to engage in, but we will always love them. By entering conversations with your teen with this nonjudgmental perspective, you set the stage for them to come to you for open and honest conversations.
Choose the Right Time and Place
Next, you want to think about timing and the right environment for having meaningful conversations with your children. When you have a pressing desire for information, like “What caused that fight with his best friend?” or “Is she planning to get physical with her boyfriend?” it can be tempting to blurt out a question at any moment, but timing and location are key to successful communication.
Take into consideration
1) Who else is present? You’re most likely to get them to open up in private.
2) What is their energy level like? Right after a busy day at school may not be the ideal moment.
3) What kind of mood are they in? Even the most temperamental teens have ups along with their downs, so try to identify more of an upbeat moment to spark a conversation. Keep in mind that well-rested and well-fed teens make for better conversationalists.
I’ll share a little anecdote with you if you happen to have a hot tub. A trusted mom friend told me they call her hot tub The Feelings Tub because it elicits deep and meaningful conversations with her teens. Sure enough, our family got a hot tub a couple of years ago, and we’ve had some lovely, comfortable conversations about relationships while soaking in the warm water.
Be Selective in Your Questions
Put a little thought into what you want to ask before you approach your teen and decide how you might broach the conversation. For example, “I was surprised you didn’t want to hang out with Joey this weekend; is everything going ok between the two of you?” or “Who have you been enjoying spending time with at lunch lately? The same crew as usual, or have things evolved during the school year?” Notice how both of these examples are fairly open-ended, yet they provide some direction and options for responses rather than an abrupt open-ended question, taking some of the pressure off your teen.
One option that works well with teens is a round-about approach. For example, “My friend, Susie, mentioned this morning that her daughter is going on her first date this weekend, and she is pretty nervous about it. It got me wondering if there’s anyone striking your fancy at school these days?” I actually had that conversation with my teen recently - in the hot tub.
Consider Sharing a Personal Story
Another helpful strategy is to share snippets about your own teen years while being careful not to monopolize the conversation. You also want to be careful not to assume that your experience was identical to your teen’s situation. I like to start my stories with a qualifier like, “I’m not sure if things are at all the same as when I was a teen, but I do remember there being some tension with the upperclassmen girls when the upperclassmen boys started eyeing my friends and me in tenth grade” (substitute whatever story you can remember from your youth that relates to the situation your teen is encountering).
Offer Support And Possibly Solutions
Parents often feel most helpful when they can help their children problem-solve and identify effective solutions. With teens, however, they are more capable of solving their own problems and often just need your support. So be cautious about offering solutions unless they directly ask. You might ask them, “Would you like my help working through what to do next, or are you brainstorming that on your own?” Regardless of how much you feel like you’re helping (or not helping if they don’t want your advice), remember that showing care and concern is meaningful and strengthens your parent-child bond.
Get Over Yourself
Parents often get so worked up over having conversations about relationships with their teens that they set themselves up for disaster or avoid them altogether. Yes, your teen may look at you like you’re crazy when you ask a probing question. Yes, they may close up, and the conversation may go nowhere. But at least you tried, and they know you cared enough to try. And possibly the next time you try, they’ll be less surprised and may even respond favorably.
The key is to read your child’s cues and respond to them without placing judgment on yourself. If your teen is not in the mood to talk, don’t take it personally. The teen years are meant for gaining independence and distancing yourself from your parents enough that you’ll feel comfortable moving out on your own in the not-too-distant future. If an attempted conversation doesn’t go as planned, just let your teen know you are always there for them if they want to talk.
Take-Home Message
As grown-up as your teen looks and acts, they still need your support, especially when it comes to navigating relationships. It’s essential to maintain open communication with your teens about relationships by fostering a supportive and nonjudgmental environment. Consider the right time and place for entering into conversations with teens, and be selective in your questions and personal anecdotes. Offer support, but don’t rush into offering solutions, and don’t take it personally if your teen doesn’t feel like talking - just set the stage for future opportunities to connect.
Talking with teens about relationships falls under the Communication category of my 5 C’s parenting framework (click here to learn more about The 5 C’s). To view more posts in this category, use the category search menu on the right of your screen. Thanks for joining me to fill your parenting toolbox with psychology-based tools to feel more confident and capable in your parenting. Keep up the good work on your amazing parenting journey!
P.S. Another opportunity to promote communication in your household is through holding family meetings. For tips to help your next family meeting run smoothly, download my free guide, How to Hold a Successful Family Meeting.
